Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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