watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
