So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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