Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
