I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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