Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
