Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
