the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
