Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
