If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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