No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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