Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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