He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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