I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
