I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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