A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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