are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
