Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
