bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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