I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
