Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
