i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
