yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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