Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
