my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
