Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we have officially lost it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
