even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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