remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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