Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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