Cold hands, warm shart.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
