last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
