Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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