I think my vagina is haunted
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
where are you?
Hypothermia
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
