Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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