you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
