I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
