One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You're a waste of cheezeits
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
