i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
