did you get engaged???
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize