you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
