you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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