why didn't you poke me back
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize