Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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