Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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