I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
