i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
