Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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