so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
