You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
