what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
