i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
