my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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