and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
