She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
