Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize