are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
