i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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